Apparently I am thirsty as hell today, because I thought it would be fun to take stock of the celebrities I fancied as a kid and evaluate whether or not I still do. What could possibly be wrong with objectifying humans, huh…?
1. Ben from A1
I vividly remember Ben starring in one of my earliest sex dreams while on a family holiday in 1998 or so. Well, not a sex dream explicitly – Ben and his bandmate Christian (the Norwegian one) were throwing me about in a swimming pool (??? why, brain) and I woke up with a strange tingling in my pants. So there’s that.
Is 1999 Ben still hot?
Curtains are objectively not sexy, especially when worn by a baby-faced 18 year old. Side note – isn’t it mental how young pop stars looked 10, 15, 20 years ago at that age compared to famous 18 year olds now?!
Would 2015 Ben get it?
God, yes. He could chuck me about in a swimming pool any day.
2. Adam Rickitt
I definitely fancied Adam when he played Nick Tilsley in Corrie, and then came his short-lived music career with that video to I Breathe Again. It was the kinkiest thing my innocent young eyes had ever seen.
Is 1998 Adam still hot?
To a degree, I suppose. And I Breathe Again is still a tune.
Would 2015 Adam get it?
Nah, I’m not feeling it.
3. H from Steps
Step One was the first album I ever owned on CD. Each of the members had their own page in the CD-insert-booklet-thing, and at the bottom of his, H had written ‘Love & snogs, H xoxoxo’. This excited me, and I wrote underneath, ‘Thanks H love you too xxxxxxx’. I got in trouble with my mum for defacing things.
Is 1998 H still not?
Don’t be daft. He’s adorable, but not hot. Apparently my gaydar only developed as I got older, too.
Would 2015 H get it?
I don’t have a penis, for a start. In all seriousness, no, but I totally want to be his friend.
4. Jamie Theakston
Horny kid story time again. My mum caught me in my pants under my bedcovers because my friends (two girls and a boy) had told me that, for whatever game we were playing, I needed to pretend to have sex with Jamie Theakston. Errrm. I never got in trouble for it, I’m pretty sure I remember mum just tutting, rolling her eyes and walking out. Cringe.
Is 2000 Jamie still hot?
Would 2015 Jamie get it?
Mm, I don’t think so. He’s lost it a bit with age.
5. Christina Aguilera
Oooh, my first sexytime interest in a lady. Specifically, in the Stripped era. The video for Dirrty haunted my dreams with sexy women and I wasn’t quite sure what that meant. A couple of years later I would see the music video for The Prodigy’s Smack My Bitch Up which cemented the fact that I was at least a little bit gay.
Is 2002 Christina still hot?
Yes! In a completely filthy, absolute white trash way.
Would 2015 Christina get it?
Damn right she would. Beautiful woman.
6. Anthony Kiedis
I got mega into the Red Hot Chili Peppers around the By The Way era. I somehow fell more in love with him after reading his 2004 autobiography Scar Tissue (apparently I have a thing for addicts?) and had a hand-crafted poster of him on my bedroom door reading ‘I’m going to marry this man’. Ok then.
Is 2001 Anthony still hot?
Yes. Yes he is.
Would 2015 Anthony get it?
Urgh, no. I’d think about it if he lost that god awful moustache.
7. Bradley from S Club 7
I was never that big on S Club 7, I was more of a Steps girl. But that cheeky smile! He’s definitely still the best looking S Club boy a decade and a half later, too.
Is 2000 Bradley still hot?
Ehh.. Hot, no. Cute, yes. Mind you, he was only 19 then.
Would 2015 Bradley get it?
Yeah, go on, why not? Still got a lovely mouth.
8. Gareth Gates
Ew, young me. Ewww. Why? I guess it was just Pop Idol hysteria and a bit of an ‘aww bless you’ sympathy crush for his stutter. Although I still 100% believe that Will Young should have won Pop Idol. He’s still brilliant.
Is 2002 Gareth still hot?
No, and he never was. Foolish child.
Would 2015 Gareth get it?
Not in a million years.
9. Mark Paul Gosselaar
Zack Morris was the first person I ever fancied, so he holds a special place in my heart. Saved by the Bell started airing before I was even born, but I spent a frankly disgusting amount of time as a kid watching reruns on Nickelodeon. And if I had Sky now, I still would.
Is 1991 Mark still hot?
Obviously. He’s Zack Morris, for fuck sake.
Would 2015 Mark still get it?
All day every day. Phwooaarr.