In which I am honest, open and raw

S’been a while since I had an aimless ramble. In fact, it’s been a while since I posted anything. I guess my heart’s just not in it. My heart’s not really been in anything for longer than I even remember.

Blogging, hobbies, work, my weak excuse for a social life, just life, generally – my enthusiasm is shot. I don’t remember the last time I really put any effort or thought into anything, instead I’ve just been on autopilot, going through the motions, my brain not even present let alone engaged.

Things I used to take great pleasure in – writing, in particular – I just don’t feel like doing any more. Why? I don’t know. I feel like I’ve lost my ability to do it well. And I’m not interested in doing something if I can’t do it well; there’s no enjoyment in doing something you’re shit at. I’ve never been the sort of person who enjoys the process of becoming good at something. I need to be naturally good at something to have any interest in it whatsoever. Is that ridiculous? How about losing your ability or flair for something that you used to be good at: is that possible, or is that ridiculous too?

It’s funny. Everything seems to be simultaneously too fast-paced for me to even see the point in trying to keep up, and too monotonous to pique my interest. Like blogging. I stopped trying to keep up with the Joneses on that front a long time ago, and now I just seem to have stopped altogether because doing things at my own pace on my own terms meant I lacked motivation. I stopped regularly reading my Twitter feed and looking at Instagram and reading blogs which filled me with either mind-numbing boredom or angry, rampaging jealousy. It was good for a while, living in blissful ignorance of how far ahead everyone else has got (regardless of whether they got there deservedly through hard work or they just got a lucky break/fit the physical mold for Popular White Blogger status).

Now it’s just.. making me question everything. Why do I even have a presence on the internet? It would be so easy to blame the internet for all my problems. I was in the process of doing exactly that, quietly brooding in an airport early this week, waiting to get on a shitty uncomfortable Ryanair flight home where I was literally too fat to do up the seatbelt. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I wish this was a lie or an exaggeration. It is not. While sitting there, I read this post by one of my favourite writers, Katie Oldham (aka Scarphelia). She’s right. I can’t blame my shit on the internet. The internet is abstract and arbitrary. It shouldn’t be personified and used as a scapegoat.

But who can I blame? Who can I blame for being fat, feeling ugly and worthless and pointless and all those other awesome things that plague me constantly? The obvious answer is me. It’s no one’s fault but my own that I feel like a waste. It’s no one’s fault but my own that I just don’t fucking care enough to change or improve. It’s not really going to make any difference, is it?

Yknow that flight I mentioned I was waiting for? I was mid-flight at the same time the Germanwings plane went down, not far away either. The natural reaction to knowing that it could have been me, should, by all acounts, be a grateful one, one that makes me take stock of my life and appreciate what I have. But no, instead, I found myself wondering what would have happened if it was my flight that went down. Would anyone miss me? Or would the people I leave behind simply be inconvenienced by the things they’d have to deal with as a result? If Colin and I had died on Tuesday, what would happen to our flat? How would the companies we work for find out? Would they be saddened, or simply annoyed that they’d need to replace us on short notice? Would our replacements even know they were taking the role of someone who had died? Who would take responsiblity for terminating our tenancy, disposing of our belongings? Does it even fucking matter?

No. It doesn’t matter. I’m not convinced anything really fucking matters.

22 thoughts on “In which I am honest, open and raw

  1. You matter. And I know that’s sometimes something that’s difficult to believe. I’ve had a lot of those days over the past six months, waking up to a new day but not really feeling anything other than empty and unimportant. But you do matter. We all matter. You matter because you have people that love you. And you’re not shit at writing. You’re one of my favourite people on the internet, you have been for YEARS, and I know we don’t talk super often because I’m rubbish at keeping in touch with people, but if that had been your plane I would have been saddened.

    As a serial giver-upper I know where you’re coming from. I never used to appreciate or like the process of learning something and becoming good at it. If you find something that you love to do, and you love it even if you’re not very good at it, you must hold on to it and keep going. And who’s to say you really are shit at the things you think you are? Is it because someone is telling you it’s not very good? Because who are they to judge? If something makes YOU happy that’s all that matters. Don’t place too much importance on other people’s opinions. And if there’s something in your head telling you you’re not good at something, ignore it! Easier said than done, I know. But it’s freeing, you know?

    I’ve started painting. I can’t draw. It’s just colours on a page swirled together. But I bloody love it. And colouring in – it’s essentially pointless but so relaxing. And you can paint the sky bright green with gold clouds if you want to. Sure it’s not ‘supposed’ to be bright green and gold, but who the fuck cares, you know? And that’s a metaphor that I’ve applied to life in general. Go your own way! You got this, even if you don’t know it or believe it yet. Small things do make a difference. And you’re great. You really, really are!

    xo

  2. I know this feeling. In the past, I’ve had days where I can’t actually get out of bed, let alone out of the house, because of the overwhelming feeling of not being worthy.

    But, as Jennie’s wonderful comment above points out, far more succinctly than I could, you DO matter. You have people who love you and would be devastated if you weren’t around. I know it’s sometimes hard to see through the fog but it’s true.

  3. I’d notice. I’m a long time reader.
    One of your post actually changed my life, the one about you starting running. I gave the Couch to 5k a go, I’ve kind of done it on and off since your post, depending on my mood and weather, but better than doing nothing like I was. I’ve lost half a stone since trying, which isn’t lots compared to many peoples efforts, but it’s a start for me, and it’s all from being inspired from your post.
    I think you’d probably be surprised how many people enjoy your blog and have grown with it and you, and would certainly notice if you were not around.
    Sending lots of love x

  4. I’m also a relatively long-time reader, and I’m sorry that life seems to have gotten you down! Your current story sounds remarkably similar to mine when I had a short/mild, but no less serious, bout of depression in college. I was so angry at other people’s successes, but I couldn’t be bothered to create my own, you know? and THAT’S OKAY. I’m out of that funk, but I’m still learning and working and nowhere near where I want to me and it Sucks (with a capital S!), but it’s also a journey and I’m living and learning every day along the way. Some days are better than others. Some days are worse. But knowing what I do now about my prior emotional state has helped me gain a lot of perspective.

    I am rambling and I am not sure you’ll even understand what I’m saying. I’m not even sure I understand. I just hope that if you need it, you will get some help (even if it’s just venting on the internet or talking to a friend). The scariest thing that ever happened to me was having my mind slowly but surely spiral into a dark place, where I contemplated the concept of death and suicide more and more often. I’m certain if I continued, it would have become less concept and more plan-of-action. I’m worried for you that you are there (as inconsequential as that may seem, as I am just a person on the internet whom you’ve never met and who lives a vastly different life), but hopeful that someday you’ll find a spark again.

    Sorry if I’ve gone on too long. I just wanted to let you know that an internet stranger cares for you and your well being. I’ll be reading, in case you want to start a dialogue.

    1. Thank you so much, honestly. I’m glad things are starting to get better for you, and I’ll always be here if you want to share any more of your journey x

      1. I’m really happy to see you replying to comments on this post and putting up new content!

        I also wanted to thank you for trucking along, even while you are dealing with your feelings, and for starting such a vulnerable dialogue with us. Keep doing what you do, I’ll be reading/commenting!

  5. I really hope I’m not out of line, but reading this felt so familiar I felt I had to say something. I thought/think (It’s a process!) like this a lot, and for a long time I felt simultaneously that this was basically just how I should and would always feel and that I was a freak for feeling like this. Eventually I went to my doctor after a bit of a breakdown in class and she immediately put me on medication and sent me to a therapist for treatment for depression. It’s seven years later, and I can honestly say that saved my life. Life isn’t easy right now, but I do have less of a fight on my hands since getting some help.

    I love reading your blog! I love how honest you are about products, the great advice you give on foundations (fellow pale lady reporting for duty!) and I love the glimpses we get of your style (that blue Illamasqua lipstick omg I want). I hope you feel better soon.

    If you need someone to talk to, you’re welcome to email me. I can’t promise quick responses I’m afraid but I could be an impartial outside ear?

    1. Thank you, Alice. Absolutely not out of line. I guess it’s something that’s sort of crossed my mind but I felt silly for thinking it, yknow? I’m glad that, even if they’re not perfect, things are at least better for you now x

  6. I went through a period similar to this last year. Could not be bothered in work, came home just wanted to sit and do nothing. Even a walk was more taxing that it should have been. Despite normally being loud and sociable I became quiet and reserved. I was miserable but not for the right reasons. I wasn’t annoyed that I was isolating anyone I care about, that I was no longer respected in work but more like complained about as I never pulled my weight basically I was annoyed that no one could understand that this is how I was living my life. I cannot even remember was caused me to change al this. But one day I literally woke up and cried about how pointless my life has become. So I decided to take action. I applied and got a new job. I bought a house (frankly isolation is a great money saver) and started trying to lose some weight and you know what – im really happy now. And I now can see how I was so miserable but yet convincing myself that I was happy to carry on the rest of my life like this. You have the power to change this. You can wake up tomorrow look in the mirror and say that you are needed. You will be missed, and that you are going to be the best version of yourself that you possibly can be. You may not believe this but you are an extremly talented writer. Infact yours was one of the first blogs I came across and loved. We all have these moments, but know you are 100% worth it and you and your blog are very loved and missed. I hope things improve for you soon!

  7. I’d notice! Been reading your blog for years! I got concerned when you haven’t been posting. Use us as your motivation.. We can give you feedback! Get healthy together! Swap beauty secrets! You have to keep blogging! We would all miss you

  8. i’m going through feeling like this right now but I can’t even explain why because I don’t know. However, I can tell you that you definitely do matter and i for one would be very upset to learn that something had happened to you. I have only met you twice but you seemed like a genuine, lovely person to be around.

    As for being overweight, we all know it makes you feel shitty but you know yourself that until you want to do something about it, you won’t and I don’t even have any advice to give to make you want to do something because it’s just a case of time and something clicking in your head (but you don’t need me to tell you that.)

    I know exactly how you’re feeling when you talk about being motivated because thats how i feel right now, I just feel so meh with everything. It’s like an indifferent feeling, not a particularly bad mood but not a good mood either. I’m feeling pretty confused actually but i’m sure i’ll figure it out and I really hope you figure out your shit soon too xxx

    1. Ohhh, Jadey. You really are one of my favourite people on the internet, you know that?! If you ever want to talk, you know I’m always a message away. xxx

  9. Hello. I’ve just stumbled on your blog by chance so am essentially a stranger, but I just want to congratulate you on being brave and open (with yourself, first) and let you know that it only took me a five minute read to see that you obviously can write and are beautiful as opposed to ugly. Also, I know advice and pushiness can be irritating and exhausting when you’re feeling so crap- I’m in the same boat sister- but it does sound like you might have depression. If you’ve not sought help so far, please please do. It’s not minor and it’s not nice and it matters and you matter. Please be kind to yourself xx

  10. Hi Leanne, I’m a bit late to this but have just seen your post. I hope you don’t mind my saying but you sound depressed to me. Losing interest in things you previously enjoyed is a bit of a tell tale sign. Similarly to some of the other people who have shared, I had a nasty bout of depression a few years ago and was put on medication for a short time. It saved me. For a while when I started taking it I was almost euphoric with relief from feeling like mysefl again. No it didn’t fix everything, but it did give me some breathing space to figure out what move to make next. Meds aren’t right for everyone but there is a lot of fear and stigma around taking anti depressants which I think can only be alieviated by people being open about their impact, which is what I’m trying to do. I know it sounds really glib but you will not feel this way forever, and look at the people reaching out to you here because your words have kept them coming back year after year. You are not by yourself love xxx

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